What do you need to forgive yourself for ?

Ok, I found another journal prompt website on marcandangel.com and the first one is the title of this post.

It’s about forgiveness. It’s a bit deep and scary this subject, but I guess that is the whole point of this, the act of the journaling; to stir up your thoughts, bring them to the forefront of your mind, make you see them and embrace them.

It forces you to think about the impact these deep, inner thoughts might be having on your wellbeing and your actions going forward.

I think the only thing that comes to mind for me personally is that I need to forgive myself for being so in love with someone, and still not being ‘over it’.

It’s taken me three years to get over the betrayal, and I am still not ‘over it’ and still that feels like too long to just be sad.

I am just so annoyed at myself, I am annoyed that it still feels like the volume has been turned down now, on my whole life.

Why has it taken me longer to ‘get over it’ than the time we was actually together as a couple? That’s mad.

And I do beat myself up about it, and I shouldn’t!

I should forgive myself for loving him so deeply. And forgive him for leaving.

For replacing me.

I think I shouldn’t still think of him; almost everyday, but I do.

I have to accept I may never be over it…I guess I just have to embrace all that I’ve learned from having my heart broken; from trusting someone so completely and then having that destroyed.

Because in the end it changed me into the person I am today. Maybe the problem is I don’t know if I like this person?

I think I miss that other ‘Sadie’.

The Sadie from before. She wasn’t so cynical and jaded. She trusted in people.

She loved with an open heart and so completely.

She was all in.

I don’t think I’ll be all in again. But I have to forgive myself for that.

I miss her.

But I have to forgive myself for changing.

This is what evolution looks like I guess.

Forgive yourself.

Well that didn’t happen…

Well my grand declaration to write everyday that didn’t really happen did it ?!

I can’t even blame the Coronovirus because I was already ‘working from home’ when I made this declaration to write everyday…

I guess I was wanting to be productive, to do something useful in the extra time at home in front of the screen; those 30minutes I would have spent commuting I could now spend them on writing.

Writing is my dream after all.

I guess it didn’t happen because actually I am still grieving.

Grieving for all the work events that wont happen, all the interactions with the public and school children I won’t get to have. The trip to Munich with the roller derby girls, the Tenerife field trip, training with the Triathlon club at the Quays, the Southampton 10k…I am grieving still for all these things that aren’t going to happen…

Sure, I have recently finished three books just these last two days, and my XP on Duolingo has doubled. So that is positive.

I actually feel like I am doing more ‘admin’ and data crunching at home and I am definitely having more meetings…but this is weird. And I actually really dislike admin and meetings. I crave social contact in my job and in life generally lol… It is not ok and I am not going to pretend it is.

So yeah, I guess the point of this post is that I am not going to beat myself up for not writing every day. And I am just going to do my best to make the most of this situation, it is a big change, for everyone.

So yes, don’t put too much pressure on yourself to DO STUFF while in lockdown.

Just be kind to each other. And to yourself. OK?

#WeGotThis